


The Less I Do Control

by poisontaster



Series: new otp [1]
Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: Backstory, Developing Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-20
Updated: 2006-09-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:36:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisontaster/pseuds/poisontaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Strippedpink's <a href="http://strippedpink.livejournal.com/tag/new%20otp%20%27verse">new otp</a> universe and written with her kind permission.  Based on the premise that Jared & Jensen met while Jensen was on Smallville & Jared was on Gilmore Girls. Familiarity with Strippedpink's story is advised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Less I Do Control

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [New OTP](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/156551) by strippedpink. 



The way Jensen looks at it, you have two choices.

You can either go on your own feet or under someone else's, trampled under a whole horde of people who _just don't give a fuck._ Or in his grandma's less profane terms: _life gives you lemons, you make lemonade._

Life gave him this face.

This pretty fucking, fuckable face.

It's not that he hates his face. He's not quite that pathological. Yet. He thinks. It's that a lot of times, he feels like his face is all anyone ever sees. Like it's just a particularly pretty mask and not something that's got a _person_ underneath it at all.

Does that make any sense?

From the creepy deacon from his church when he was a kid, (who, when Jensen was _nine_ , smudged his thumb so hard over Jensen's bottom lip that he thought it was going to bleed and said, "Now there's a mouth born to sin if ever I saw one"), to the film producer he just blew fifteen minutes ago, (thus somehow and ironically proving the deacon right, he realizes) Jensen's life has been all about _face_.

He's not messed up about it. Or… He guesses he's as messed up as anybody's messed up about whatever it is they're messed up about.

It's possible he's not explaining this well.

The point is that you don't need to feel sorry for him.

He's okay.

He's doing just fine.

$ $ $ $ $

It started with the face, of course. When you're pretty as him (and how he loathes that word) the first thing people say to you tends to be either "ARE you a model/actor" or "Hey, you should BE a model/actor."

But that's not why Jensen got into acting.

Don’t get him wrong; he likes the trappings. The money, the freedom, all that jazz… It's a charmed life sometimes.

But that's not why.

And here we go back to the face again, but in a different way.

"Pretty" means people will use you. Use you, use what shows on your face. Because if you're pretty, then everyone is always looking.

Jensen _needs_ acting. Needs it to put something on that's more like the mask that's all everyone wants from him. Needs it to make him a little less naked and raw, like a suit of armor.

Acting is a defense, if you do it right.

$ $ $ $ $

"Look, Jensen, if you want to be an actor, you're going to do things that make you uncomfortable sometimes."

That was Troy, his first…well. Troy wasn't exactly an acting coach. More like a mentor. But Jensen thinks about that sometimes, that advice. At the time, young and with all the stupidity of his age, he thought Troy meant having to do stuff like take the Lord's name in vain or wear some kind of costume that makes you ashamed to be in your own skin or cry on command.

And that part's true too.

But it's also letting some sixty year old producer take you out and parade you around on his arm like he just won the lottery because you're _so fucking pretty_. It's hanging out with the folks you work with at the bar, even though you're damn near dead on your feet from fourteen hours filming, and taking that first shot, that first toke, that first line, because at least part of your success is going to depend on what _they_ think of you. It's letting that agent—the really _good_ one, who can get you the kind of roles you _know_ you can make yours, if you just play a little ball—suck you off in a men's room, dirty, fast and hot as fuck.

And sometimes it's your acting coach—excuse me, _mentor_ —holding you down by your wrists and fucking into you because _someday you may need to know what this feels like._

Jensen's never forgotten.

$ $ $ $ $

And the thing is, you can get by like that.

You come to the realization that people are going to use you. That's just how it is. But if you're smart and you're good—and Jensen is both—you can ride that. Use it. There's a certain poetic justice to that—using the users.

He likes the sex. He likes _sex_ and eventually he gets used to always being the one on his belly. He learns. How to take it. How to fuck and how to suck, the delicate etiquette of _being_ sucked, spit versus swallow. The art of knowing when the fuck to leave, cold and shivering even on a warm LA night.

And it's easier, you know? Than the alternative. Than _failure_.

You lie on different sets of sheets—good, bad or indifferent, though he kind of prefers Pratesi—and you close your eyes and let it feel good. You ride on a tide of bodies, steering towards the sun.

$ $ $ $ $

And now Jared.

Jesus, Jared.

The kid's so green, he's wet. He wears every emotion right out on the surface of his skin, awkward and tactless and filled with such boundless enthusiasm that Jensen feels a hundred years old and sort of withered.

And no one does anything about it.

That's the part that boggles Jensen's mind. It's like some Hollywood version of The Emperor's New Clothes, Jared walking around all naked (and this is a difficult metaphor to construct, because he keeps getting distracted by the thought of Jared naked, hoo boy) and no one's quite got the heart to point it out to him. Even Rosey, who's the evilest, most tactless bastard Jensen's ever met, will just sort of pat the kid on the head and give one of those "That's just Jared" shrugs. And then go back to tormenting Jensen.

Sometimes, Jensen wants to be the one to do it, to just…puncture all that enthusiasm and tear down that illusionary sense of well-being. Just rip the kid the fuck apart and see the bleeding little parts that _have_ to be underneath it all. See what Jared's really made of.

Hey, he never claimed to be a nice guy.

But the rest of the time—fuck, most of the time—he feels this weird un-Jensenlike desire to be Jared's _defender_ for Heaven's sake. To make sure he never turns into what Jensen is now…which is a weird thought, because most of the time, he counts himself as a pretty happy guy. A little reserved, maybe, but with good reason.

The point is, it's _uncharacteristic_. And the key word there is _character_ ; Jensen has very carefully cultivated his character over years and seasons of the Hollywood back and forth. It keeps him safe and sane and cool. Detatched.

And this _kid_ —because he can't stop thinking of Jared that way—this green-rookie kid crashes (almost literally) into his life and starts shaking all that up.

Jensen doesn't break character, dammit. It's his _thing_.

And it scares him.

There. He said it.

The really fucked up part, though? He doesn't know if it scares him more that Jared can do this to him…or that he might be strong enough to keep it from happening with anyone, ever.

$ $ $ $ $

“I’ve always been-been the bottom, Jay. I don’t…never wanted…”

He didn't mean to say that. Admit it. Not out loud.

It's just Jared was kind of _freaking out_ about it all, having Jensen's dick up his ass. And in between trying to not come—because good God, is Jared tight—and trying to reassure him, it just sort of slipped out.

Kind of exactly the opposite of the way his cock was not slipping into Mr. Jared "I am _so_ not gay" Padalecki's ass.

But the truth of it…his brain scrambles a little more as Jared does _something_ extraordinarily brilliant with his hips and the smooth-tight muscles inside him…the truth of it is…

This.

This is the truth of it, him and this kid he barely knows but really sort of wants to. This kid that's never had anybody break him down or bust him up, this kid that's not afraid of a damn thing, up to and including kinda sorta throwing himself at Jensen Ross Ackles, the man who fears everything.

Including what the fuck he's going to do, when Jared realizes what a huge and monumental mistake this all is.


End file.
